Struggles in Spirituality

I was not raised a Christian. I've always been open about that fact. When I was younger, I offered this information in a laughing, joking, "Could you really think any different?" manner. As a twenty-something, I offered this as an excuse when my few devout friends tried to witness to me. How could I possibly believe in a god I knew nothing about? When I first began attending church, I said this as fast and as frequently as possible in a convoluted attempt to decrease expectations from my fellow churchgoers. Today, as I approach my third anniversary of really believing in and accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior, I still offer this line: as an excuse, an explanation, and a reminder to myself that it's still okay to struggle. I wasn't born a Christian and I wasn't raised a Christian, but I am determined that - when my time comes - I will die a Christian.

I've attended church every Sunday that I've been in my "home" town since that fateful Easter when Tracey, Ellie, and I attended church together for the first time. I've gone to Sunday school many of those Sundays, participated in a few classes of varying topics, volunteered, and now I work for my church. Together, we have baptized our daughter and commited ourselves to raising her in the church for as long as her faith continues to lead her there. However, my faith is not complete. I don't really believe that anyone's faith can be "complete" to the fullest sense of the word, but this sense of incomplete faith has persisted in my soul in a sense of unrest, angst, discomfort, and even anger. Lately I find my struggles perpetuated by my determination to participate in my church, and I find myself struggling all the more.

My first solution was to stop believing. I didn't believe in God for the first twenty-five years of my life, so surely I could return to not believing, right? After all, not believing provided me with many more answers than questions. However, in a feeling totally unfamiliar to me, I found that I couldn''t not believe. Christ is not simply something I believe in; He is a part of me. He made me, and He is ingrained in my every breath, my every moment for eternity. When I first realized this, I was shocked. After all, my first months in church were more of a "Fake it 'til you make it" than a total commitment to faith, so what had changed? Why could I not return to my adolescent mindset? I want to say something brilliant here about how I grew up, I had an epiphany, and I embraced Him. The reality, however, is that He embraced me. When I was ready to believe, I didn't go to Him. He came to me, and He stays with me even when I try to run away. As I will always remember a classmate saying in Sunday School, now more than ever, "Let the glory be to God."

My next solution was to try to find answers to everything. I tried to absorb spiritual subject matter everywhere I went. I recognized verses from the Bible, spoke more and more to devout Christians about their faith, and immersed myself in my religion. I found more questions than answers, and so my struggles continued. Reading the Bible can inspire me and comfort me, but it does not give me the answers I need. This, too, was a shocking moment for me. If the word of God cannot answer my questions, what can? Exactly how far was I supposed to carry my (blind) faith? I was too embarrassed to admit my inability to really absorb the Bible, so I argued with it. I denied passages, reinterpreted others, and looked to multiple sources until I found a translation that worked for me. I pursued this until the day came that I learned one of the pastors at my church, one who has played a very significant role in my joining this church, has (somewhat openly) stated that he, too, does not believe the Bible is the direct word of God. He offers many explanations of what he does believe the Bible to be, but the direct word of God is not one of them. This was a huge relief! If a pastor, a man whose entire being is devoted to sharing the word of God, does not accept the Bible as a complete and perfect text, how can a mere layperson do any better? I can't, and the reality is that I don't have to.

Most recently I have found myself at a crossroads with the various paths disappearing. I can't stop believing in God, and I wouldn't want to if I could. I can't fully accept the Bible, but I can not accept every single word as the word of God and still be a Christian. I pray and find comfort. I pray and witness miracles. I pray and He answers. For now, I think that's more than enough. I feel now that declaring myself a Christian without any struggles would be, for me, a shallow faith. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, and my only real struggle is not in believing in Him, but in accepting that faith is not an answer in a book. It's not a prayer to be memorized. It is a lifelong journey that I, a person with too little patience in all too many areas of life, have committed myself to taking. I won't ever be done with my struggles, and I won't ever be done with my journey, but I am believing more everyday that the true gift here is that He will take this journey with me.